Tomorrow at noon I'll start my 3 day Memorial Day weekend...then at 3:22 I'll light the candle I got from Hospice in remembrance of Charlie's death. Tomorrow it'll be 12 weeks since he died...
I use to look forward to the weekends and holidays....that meant more time with my Chucky! But now just the thought of the weekend coming up or a holiday makes me so sad. It's so hard rambling around this house all alone...so many memories...such a feeling of loss...
Sheri asked me what I'd be doing this weekend. I told her I'd just be hanging around the house...probably sleeping since now a days I'm always so tired. She said I should go to Duluth and be with my mom. I told her I was to sad to drive all that way. She said when she's sad her mom always makes her feel better. I told her she goes to her mom because she's never been married (she's 43 and drop dead gorgeous) I was married 31 years...Charlie's the one I always went to with my problems. She just smiled a very sad smile...then went back to work...
Sheri's the only one in the Twin Cities that have been nice to me since Charlie died. I don't really understand why people shun me but I think it has something to do with feeling bad for me. What they don't know is it only compounds my feeling of loneness. This is by far the saddest time in my life and I'm left alone to deal with all these feelings and emotions. The only ones that I can depend on are two of Charlie's sisters, my BEST friend Lynn and my family. Only problem with that is they all live 150 miles away! This had caused me to become quite bitter. I don't know who I can trust anymore. I've gotten to where I don't care if I ever see anyone again! I wonder if these feelings will ever go away....
I've often thought about selling my house and moving up there. At first I stayed because I've heard someone that has lost a spouse shouldn't make any life changing decisions for at least a year. Since Sunday I've been more depressed then I've ever been in my life! I'm afraid to live but then again I'm afraid to die! I thought to hell with waiting a year! I've gotta get out of here and be with people that love me NOW! But then I thought the better of it....it doesn't matter where I live or who I'm with the situation won't change. I'll still be sad...I'll still be grieving.
So now I'll go watch some TV. Then tomorrow I'll go to work. This weekend I'm going to try very hard to get something done around here. I still have most of Charlie's clothes to go thru. I also have four rooms to paint in case I can't make it a year. I think I'll feel better when all that's done...that way if I have to go I'll be ready...
~Karen~
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...sory to hear about your husband. 
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