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My Husband Charles died March 2, 2007 after a 3 year battle with Liver Cancer. Please Pray for him..

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bluubunn: Hi Karen.....just wishing you a peaceful and kind night. love you....blu ooxx
Ean: OMG Karen, I had no idea. I'm so sorry. I've been trying to contact you, check your IM sometime
lynn: YAH, I did it...boy am I ever getting good hah? yup, you probably have the start of a root canal. I have about 5 of them. the pain they cause is the worst pain one can imagine. I hope you take back your part of the bargain and call the doc before it comes back. this time it may be worse then before. toothaches, they suck. I love you my best friend....ttys I miss Charlie to. blu xoxo
Mary:
Karen: Since I don't know anyone here and I'm sure no ones going to say anything to me, I'll say something to myself! Welcome back Karen...nice to see you around again! ...sory to hear about your husband.

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Friday, May 25th 2007

1:06 PM

Oh my aching tooth...or teeth..which ever the case my be :)

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I'd say for the past 6 months or so I've been having problems with these two teeth...at least I think it's two teeth! For all I know it could be one! They're located on the bottom right hand side at the very end. Years ago I had crowns put on both of them....

Usually I have problems when I eat. My thinking is food gets under the crown (s) for some reason. When this happens the pain is almost unbearable! Normally I take a couple of Aleve and it calms down before to long. This doesn't happen all the time but when it does it's awful...

Last night I turned off the TV and lights to go to sleep. As soon as I laid my head on the pillow the pain started in. (I hadn't ate for hours so I have no idea what that was all about) I jumped up and went into the bathroom to get my trusted Aleve...then I laid back down to wait for it to start working. As I'm laying there the pain got more intense then ever. I don't think I've every felt pain like that before! I laid there for about an hour feeling every beat my heart made...feeling the pain enter and leave my brain...it really was that bad! I NEVER take more Aleve then it says on the package but the pain was so bad I went back for another two pills....then laid back down. As I'm laying there feeling all this pain I thought about this  Tylenol/codeine I have in the medicine cabinet from when my back was so bad. I thought about going in there and taking 2 of them also but then I thought I better not. I don't know what would happen if I took all that and I sure as hell didn't want to find out...

As I laid there I wondered where I'd go if the pain got so bad I couldn't take it. I wondered if there was such a place as a 24 hours dentist office. I wondered if I went to the Hospital ER if they could help me out. I also wondered how I'd get there.  I wondered if I'd be able to drive in this much pain. I thought how sad is this? Charlie always took care of me....now that he's gone I don't have anyone to rely on! I'm so bad at asking anyone for anything! I've always been like that. I hate to impose on anyone...

This went on for over two hours when  I decided the only thing I could do was "will" the pain away. So I started talking to myself in my mind. I said to myself, "the pain is getting better...better...it's almost gone..." then I'd fall asleep. All of a sudden I'd wake up with this horrible pain again! Then I'd talk to myself again. I was able to get a little sleep here and there. I think the last time I "willed" the pain away was four hours after it started....the next thing I knew the alarm was going off...

While I was doing all that "willing" I was also talking to God. I told him if he took the pain away I'd call a dentist in the morning and make an appointment to find out what the hell was going on...

This morning the pain was gone and I wasn't so eager to keep my part of the bargain! As much as I know I should go I don't want to! I'm sure they'll be even more pain involved! And then there's the ! I can't afford that! They'll probably want to do some root canal work...and worse yet more crowns! Who the hell can afford that? Not me, that's for sure...

So instead I went to Walgreen's. I bought extra strength Tylenol and Advil. I'm thinking if the Aleve can't help me one of these surely can! I figure it's worth a try...

So with that said it's time for me to sign off...till we met again

~Karen~



 


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Thursday, May 24th 2007

4:01 PM

Almost the weekend...

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Tomorrow at noon I'll start my 3 day Memorial Day weekend...then at 3:22 I'll light the candle I got from Hospice in remembrance of Charlie's death. Tomorrow it'll be 12 weeks since he died...

I use to look forward to the weekends and holidays....that meant more time with  my Chucky! But now just the thought of the weekend coming up or a holiday makes me so sad. It's so hard rambling around this house all alone...so many memories...such a feeling of loss...

Sheri asked me what I'd be doing this weekend. I told her I'd just be hanging around the house...probably sleeping since now a days I'm always so tired. She said I should go to Duluth and be with my mom. I told her I was to sad to drive all that way. She said when she's sad her mom always makes her feel better. I told her she goes to her mom because she's never been married (she's 43 and drop dead gorgeous) I was married 31 years...Charlie's the one I always went to with my problems.  She just smiled a very sad smile...then went back to work...

Sheri's the only one in the Twin Cities that have been nice to me since Charlie died. I don't really understand why people shun me but I think it has something to do with feeling bad for me. What they don't know is it only compounds my feeling of loneness. This is by far the saddest time in my life and I'm left alone to deal with all these feelings and emotions. The only ones that I can depend on are two of Charlie's sisters, my BEST friend Lynn and my family. Only problem with that is they all  live 150 miles away! This had caused me to become quite bitter. I don't know who I can trust anymore. I've gotten to where I don't care if I ever see anyone again! I wonder if these feelings will ever go away....

I've often thought about selling my house and moving up there. At first I stayed because I've heard someone that has lost a spouse shouldn't make any life changing decisions for at least a year. Since Sunday I've been more depressed then I've ever been in my life! I'm afraid to live but then again I'm afraid to die! I thought to hell with waiting a year! I've gotta get out of here and be with people that love me NOW! But then I thought the better of it....it doesn't matter where I live or who I'm with the situation won't change. I'll still be sad...I'll still be grieving.

So now I'll go watch some TV. Then tomorrow I'll go to work. This weekend I'm going to try very hard to get something done around here. I still have most of Charlie's clothes to go thru. I also have four rooms to paint in case I can't make it a year. I think I'll feel better when all that's done...that way if I have to go I'll be ready...

~Karen~





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